Every day I feel pressure is everywhere weighing me down.
What has taken away my smiles? I used to smile so much before, but this was no longer the case. Each day, I become so silent at the office, saying very little unless I am asked to.
When have I been so negative that each day I am counting down the days when the contract expires?
I know that I have just been through the probationary period. Thinking of resignation or contract expire date is way too ridiculous.
Every day I fear I would fall short of the expectation and targets.
Every day I strive to survive between my bubble dream and the harsh reality. Yet the barriers in the way make my struggle seem a drop in the bucket. Therefore, I am nowhere close to strike a balance, worsening the situation.
Lately, there comes a new colleague with her name S in our department, who is a referral by our direct supervisor.
As the work gradually sets on the expected track, the whole group of 8 is split into 4 teams of 2, with me teaming up with S. People in the team are very nice and grateful. But I dislike this arrangement. Rejecting feelings overwhelm. I can feel S is very nice and respectful. However, her special identity as my direct supervisor's friend naturally poses too much pressure on my young shoulders.
Whatever I do with her, I cannot help reminding myself of her special identity. And this drags me down.
Being in a team with her, I feel very intense feeling of being spied on and stalled whatever I do and say.
This frustrates me a lot.
The rejecting feelings drive me further away and I can feel I am very disconnected from the team now.
The day before yesterday, I was tremendously blue and frustrated. Therefore, I couldn't get myself focused on my job. Then, the result was so bad that I failed to deliver results. Yesterday when I counter checked my job done the other day, I discovered lots of mistakes and almost had to do the whole thing again. But fortunate was that I hadn't handed them in, and therefore, it was not too late to revise and improve.
Thank God!
Currently, I cannot bounce well between pressure and personal needs.
Maybe days later, I will learn and grow.
But, I need time. No excuse though.
（On Jul 8, 2008 ）
